Planning a Life

My "Life Plan" circa 1995.

       If you didn't know it already, I am a planner. I love making decisions and mapping out the how and when I will arrive at my destinations in life. My mom recently unearthed this beauty of a project that I must have done for school, I'm guessing in about fourth or fifth grade. I clearly did not have many goals at the time...finish school, drive a minivan, score a glamorous diamond and a full family then coast through life to my death at age seventy-six or so. 

       Now I don't want to judge my younger self too harshly. After all, what more could there be in life than that, and how else to portray it all except for shiny and sparkly and smiling? What would it look like now? If I had to redo this project in this year, 2014, at age 30? If I had to predict where and how my life would go, when it would end, could I do it? Would I cut out cute photos of my dreams going forward and what would they include? 

       I wish nine-year old me would have written more specifics. When you say kids, how many did you want? And as for a pet, can we do without the fur? She doesn't tell me the important things, those that I now have to make decisions about, those dreams that I once thought were so simple and given are hard to imagine at this moment. The time-line is a little off as well. I was married only a year later than predicted- and with the same ring- so I'll give some credit for that. I had two of our girls before 2011 though, so I guess I was a mother a little younger. Yikes, my math skills were lacking for sure, as I read that I wanted to be a Grandma at forty...making my daughter a mother in her teens! 

       Jokes aside, I gave myself seventy-five plus years on this planet to make my mark. Seems like I didn't aspire to much back then. With forty- percent of my life behind me now, how much of a mark have I made? I've accomplished all those details I wanted to do (minus the Grandma bit) and a few more. A house, a career, the building and raising of a family, all seem like things I want denoted on my life plan somewhere. Let's not forget the last successes as well...I should be looking forward to the grandmahood, probably retirement and a lasting relationship with my husband. 

       The minutiae are lost in this example, this life plotted out with Elmer's glue and magazine clippings. I should be happy that the girl I was did not know what really awaited in life, didn't lay it all out for me moment by moment, both joyful and heartbreaking. I should be charmed by her naivete and amateur clairvoyance. I wish that were the case. Seeing this makes me wonder about myself, my past and my future. Past me tore out pages of glossy and full-color life, taping them in a binder of hopes, scribbling notes in the margins to myself about modifications to be made to perfect each thought. 

       Where does future me begin to plan again? Technology has advanced, allowing me to "create a board" and pin things I like, stealing others' accomplishments and linking me to lives I want to emulate. I have followers there, in this dreamland of crafts to make, photo poses that I need to take, precious moments I do not want to miss creating with my girls, and who can resist pinning cake...

       Is that all the effort I need to jump back in? To fast forward and plan the life I want, shall I scan down the fashions and recipes, the upcycling and 'best of' household tips? Keep scrolling through the party themes, important articles to read, grasping at snippets of life until I see what I want again? I know that life will happen around me even if I do not choose to plan it. Night turns into day, the world spins faster than I can keep up. My children grow and learn and whether I purposefully choose the moments they make into memories, those memories continue to be made. I don't expect to throw away the desire to set my goals, nor am I trying to avoid dreaming. 

If you watch I'm sure it will happen again, this project of a life on paper, a map to my future. Maybe it won't be so linear. It most definitely will not be all smiles and simplicity. But it will be life, and attainable or not, the hopes will happen and I will have to manage those expectations, living in the real world of today and the dreamland that is our future.