Griffin's Shoes.

Mommy and the kids. 

       I'm all for pomp and circumstance. I enjoy the excitement of celebrations just as much as anyone. Well, maybe not when it comes to celebrating me. I look forward to mail at the holidays and birthdays but I can't seem to get geared up for a big to-do when it comes to a 'Beth day.'
       This week every year strikes me as one when I should be on vacation then, as it is full of days that bring attention to me as a person, me as a professional, and me as a mother. This year is no exception. In fact, because of my son, I have now added another 'celebration day' to this week, one I never knew existed until I was welcomed into the stillbirth community.

       Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. More information can be found here :http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html. It's a day to celebrate moms that have lost children or never been blessed enough to have them. Now as I have said, I don't really need another day to celebrate myself nor do I desire to have added attention brought to me because of this day. It fell into my life during a week that already celebrates me multiple times over so I wasn't sure I was even planning to acknowledge it.
       I came across a plan though, a Grief help and support plan, that coincides with this week and thought it was fitting. It's called "Mother's Day Muchness after Babyloss" and can be found here: http://findingmymuchness.com/2014/03/12/a-free-7-day-challenge/. It encourages moms to take time each and everyday and look through the Grief, to find our 'muchness,' that special spark that makes us light up and be ourselves again, if only for a little while. It encourages us to look at a positive piece of our day and share it with each other and with the world to honor our lost little loves in a way that shows more than just darkness and pain.

       I've been trying to think this weekend about how to do this challenge...how to celebrate me during this week when I get the limelight more than enough already. I came up with a theme that I really enjoy and thought I might get a kick out of sharing with you, though I feel silly already in spelling it out. As a mom, wife, nurse, and of course woman, I wear many hats in life. I can't say that I don hats in my wardrobe though so that metaphor was ultimately worthless early on. Shoes on the other hand, or foot...shoes I wear everyday, change multiple times during the day and they are a way I show my personality no matter how I am feeling.
       So I am taking the time, each day this week, to tell you more about myself, to show you the mile I walk in my shoes, if you will. I'm not sure yet how each day will develop, which shoes I will be wearing. Today, the day I celebrate being a mom to an Angel Baby, and celebrate with millions of other mothers our walk through Grief, I'll show you my "Griffin shoes."

My Griffin shoes.

       I chose these shoes for my son's funeral. I have worn them very few times and every time I do, I think of the day we celebrated him. I picked these heels, with their bold colors and peep toes, as a fun reminder of all of my kids. They seem to me full of the flowers my girls pick in the field behind our house and the finger paints that decorate the artwork on my fridge. They were far from the dark colors my heart longed to wear on the day we memorialized Griffin, but much closer to the hues of hope my girls instill in my soul every day.
   

       I came across the perfect shoes for Griffin just last week. I didn't own any little boy shoes, especially not for a newborn. It was certainly an impulse purchase to buy tiny sneakers for feet that will never wear them. Just seemed like something I needed to have in my closet, a baby pair to sit next to my own collection, a reminder when I am choosing each morning which 'hat' I plan to wear, that no matter who I am that day, which Beth I get to be, I will always be Griffin's mommy.

My little buddy  Griffin's shoes.