Oh Me of Little Faith.
I launched this week my worry over faith. In my Grief I have been privy to many takes on the afterlife, mostly from my Christian peers. I have my son painted as an angel, most definitely in Heaven, and for others that must be some kind of relief. I'm not sure that it affords me the same feelings.
After being raised a dutiful Catholic I have not taken to the dogma of religion as I was taught. Not that I'm much of an independent thinker on these issues; I merely am unsure that I subscribe to the teachings one and all of my Church. I am intrigued by other religions certainly, but I find myself most drawn to nothing.
Not atheism really, more likely agnosticism.
Have you thought it out? The whole existence of God? I think about it a lot, read about it, dissect the theories and cannot for the life of me make heads of tails of it. How could we not be created by something or someone Divine? And yet, could it not be just as likely that we are simply matter, formed from the tiniest of sparks and morphed over millions of years into the strange and perfect creatures that we are?
If there is a God, is it really one God with only one Son, combined with a Holy Spirit? I won't profess to know or understand the intricacies of it all. I can sit here and shrug after coming to the same conclusions tonight as always: I just don't know what to believe, that there is or is not.
A recent encounter with a new friend comes to mind in this discussion. She asked me about my faith. I told her that before my son died, I had the utmost faith in myself. I trusted my body to do what it was designed to do. I trusted my intellect and logic and planning to carry my family as it has for so long. She looked at me and said,"That's a dangerous place to put your faith."
I suppose she is right. With Griffin's failed birth I have very little faith left, least of all in myself. I was the girl who could make every decision and be sure it was the right way to go. I was invincible and sure of my body and oooh how that is all changed. I am nervous for the future, disinterested in being the adult in my own life, hesitant to take a step in any direction lest it be wrong.
In a talk I had with this new friend just last week, when I was lamenting my paralysis with moving forward or choosing change, she said to me, "Maybe you should let some of this go to someone else. Maybe let a Higher Power make some decisions for you." I wanted to scoff at her suggestion. I wanted to laugh her off. In all honesty though, I love the idea. It seems like a perfect solution, this finding faith and trusting again, especially in someone other than myself.
So it takes me back to what to believe...agnosticism is nice. It is a bit of a cop out, sure, not having to choose to believe or disbelieve. I think I may need to dive into a few more varieties of deities to choose the one that is right for me, but maybe soon I'll be there, trusting and believing with more than a little faith.
After being raised a dutiful Catholic I have not taken to the dogma of religion as I was taught. Not that I'm much of an independent thinker on these issues; I merely am unsure that I subscribe to the teachings one and all of my Church. I am intrigued by other religions certainly, but I find myself most drawn to nothing.
Not atheism really, more likely agnosticism.
Have you thought it out? The whole existence of God? I think about it a lot, read about it, dissect the theories and cannot for the life of me make heads of tails of it. How could we not be created by something or someone Divine? And yet, could it not be just as likely that we are simply matter, formed from the tiniest of sparks and morphed over millions of years into the strange and perfect creatures that we are?
If there is a God, is it really one God with only one Son, combined with a Holy Spirit? I won't profess to know or understand the intricacies of it all. I can sit here and shrug after coming to the same conclusions tonight as always: I just don't know what to believe, that there is or is not.
A recent encounter with a new friend comes to mind in this discussion. She asked me about my faith. I told her that before my son died, I had the utmost faith in myself. I trusted my body to do what it was designed to do. I trusted my intellect and logic and planning to carry my family as it has for so long. She looked at me and said,"That's a dangerous place to put your faith."
I suppose she is right. With Griffin's failed birth I have very little faith left, least of all in myself. I was the girl who could make every decision and be sure it was the right way to go. I was invincible and sure of my body and oooh how that is all changed. I am nervous for the future, disinterested in being the adult in my own life, hesitant to take a step in any direction lest it be wrong.
In a talk I had with this new friend just last week, when I was lamenting my paralysis with moving forward or choosing change, she said to me, "Maybe you should let some of this go to someone else. Maybe let a Higher Power make some decisions for you." I wanted to scoff at her suggestion. I wanted to laugh her off. In all honesty though, I love the idea. It seems like a perfect solution, this finding faith and trusting again, especially in someone other than myself.
So it takes me back to what to believe...agnosticism is nice. It is a bit of a cop out, sure, not having to choose to believe or disbelieve. I think I may need to dive into a few more varieties of deities to choose the one that is right for me, but maybe soon I'll be there, trusting and believing with more than a little faith.
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