Irreverent Eloquence

 Let me remind you that it was I that chose You no Fate lured me near  It was my web you wandered into In my trap you were ensnared Let me remind you I let You love Me gave you all the puzzle pieces "the whole picture" to deceive Let me remind you You were a means to an end A stone on which to step Minor character in the story I spin Let me remind you lest you start to believe  that you had the Choice, that You could ever Leave Let me remind you So I don't forget I chose incorrectly and have to live with that regret

 be soft and pliable Flexible, kind stand firm, Strong  but Capable         of great weakness, fair in body and Fawn in heart, never a feint.  be enough, Just     Are you ever Enough?  no questions, Fight     have no depth   be a Mystery          entirely Dynamic, multi-dimensional Until you lie flat.    be filled, content      You have value. Not as a dispensary, only Receptacle.    

  When you were young and headstrong, confident and decisive, you could fight me and never relent. Flippant decisions, just refuse to compromise, easily filled me with instant regret.  I didn't learn quickly, could not see inimitable you, thought I could mold and hold you, just to my will, bent.  Small yet too strong, the will of a woman child sized, your brilliance too often caught me by surprise.  My planning fell to pieces when I gave you the choices, predicting that I would easily win.  I watched your thoughts calculate all the options, then choose, aware of consequences and red faced with chagrin.  I had given permission, a misstep on my part, though I knew the game play and rules, I misunderstood how you would begin.  And you followed through, step by step, having committed to your plan, I was flummoxed and floundered in place.  I felt beaten, and lost, embarrassed and insecure, wanting to be angry as I watched your little face. 

 How do I tell you that you are not enough; knowing I should not be so cruel? How to say the thoughts piling up, as I push you away,  when despite my enforced distance, you stay? I see in the mirror the faces that play, the words forming and smirking, "Who's the fool?"  

 "Lay it down", just tell me, the load so heavy and constant.  "Set it aside", say it simply, "take the rest."  Permission granted and hand extended, a sigh so deep and unexpected,  I only want a moment, not help, to feel my best.  Don't do it for me, I am capable.  Don't shoulder my work, I want the burden.  Don't deprive my life of purpose and all my drive.  Don't diminish my effort, I enjoy the struggle.  Don't mistake my fatigue for overwhelm.  Working the list helps me to survive.  Nothing to need, I have it all, energy and self reliance.  A question of want, frustration builds and raises ire.  Decisions stacking, days on wash and repeat,  Maybe someone to hold me and care is my desire. 

to Choose a Life Basic  Simple Complicated Stressed Defined Rote Mundane Exhilarating Exhausting Rich Full Flourishing Relaxing Refined What's mine?

I thought I could be ready. To 'cross that bridge' To 'weather that storm' Enough time has passed, My fill of heartache endured, Now a new love could form.  Hesitant, unsteady, the path so unsure,  Cautious and tempered in each intimation. Awareness creeps in, a chill to the core, A silent heart denies love's formation.  The want of a life,  Return to before, is no longer the desired destination.  The "should be", the rote,  Patterned choices in my past, now a questionable proclamation. "You are naive and unprepared." "You have no need to explore." "Stop here," my mind stalls.  That bridge will have to wait,  Would I survive another storm?  I back away as uncertainty calls.