ADQUIRIR

 Adquirir. 

    That's one of my favorite words, did you know? I do have quite a few favorites but this year, that one has been top of the list. Not that there is anywhere I can use it... Spanish words don't come up in my daily vernacular, so it is all the more fun to flip them on the tongue for special occasions. 

It's such a beautiful word to say and to describe how I think about my life. And I love the double meaning it carries:

To buy or purchase: Used in formal contexts to describe buying goods, property, or companies.
To gain or develop over time: Used for intangible things like skills, knowledge, habits, or fame.

Some of you might not know me on a deeply personal level yet, at least not enough to know that the first meaning fits the cluttered chaos that can be our precariously balanced life. I have forever enjoyed acquiring "things." Lately I've been more of a window shopper since I have collected plenty enough over the years but I have had a knack for tracking down pieces and parts and odds and ends and have stacked and stored so much. 

A tiny fraction of my dress collection (anyone want to play dress up soon?)

And even if you don't know my messy home life, you might know why I love the other meaning and find it fitting as well. So many hobbies and so little time, or was it home improvement projects I was starting on, gardens to finish, business to run, getting invested in new ideas at work, adventure planning with the kids? I'd be quite surprised if you haven't heard me blathering on about something I'm learning, exploring, trying out, fixing up. 

Still a work in progress but put all the found items to patio and fairy path use.

 If you allow me to digress I'll tell you one more thing about that word that tickles my brain. Every time I think of it there is one more secret meaning in that favorite verb. Conjugated to the version I would use: yo adquiero is where I probably get delusional. Tell me you can see it too, how closely it's related to   "Te quiero – "I love you."

Semantics are probably not what brought you here so perhaps I should segue to why this word is tickling me tonight. 

Last weekend on a road trip, I was enjoying an 'ideas' conversation with someone precious to me and I pressed them to talk about big feelings. I wanted to know which one they find the hardest to express and which one they enjoy the most. After answering, they turned the question to me. 

    I quietly shared, though I doubt it was at all a surprise, 

             "The most difficult feeling for me to express is affection." Querer:To love...

It is a bit of a running joke in our family as my kids know I struggle to make eye contact and profess my love to them. They easily recognize this is not a skill I have "adquirí" in my life. In fact they are so affectionate to me that I do get overwhelmed by their hugs and their proclamations of "I love you" that come so easily and frequently. I'm aware that I have other ways that I show my caring, though it is never as loud or physical or often even as verbal as they maybe would like.  

These are my favorite people, though they've grown in the last 4 years.

 I did answer the other half of the question, my favorite big feeling was just as easy to discuss and probably seems similarly odd, incongruent with a positive connotation.

                                  I told them, "I love Grief."

 In the banter in the car I did explain, and I could try now to tell you all the reasons. And I know I cannot be succinct enough tonight. Instead, let me tell you what happened in the next moment in my timeline, the memory made that links all my messy thoughts together.

 (I do hope that some of my incessant ramblings make sense and bring meaning, both tonight as I type this one, and for all the ones to come that I am not ready to experience, let alone share.)

              

Half an hour after that silly and playful conversation in the car, I got a phone call. I was expecting test results to tell me that I had a muscle tear that was causing me pain. I anticipated more advice to have me back off my 5 miles a day of running, and to rest.

Instead, the sweetest Family Practice NP calmly and coolly shared with me in the most empathetic and competent way that my CT scan showed metastatic cancer. It was seemingly quite advanced to my hearing. She went on to list her plan of care...and she apologized for having to shock me so, over the phone, on a Friday evening, when I was on vacation, for having to give the most unexpected news and for the fact that for the next few days, there was nothing to do but wait. 

Oh, the irony was not lost on me. In that moment, later that night, and still tonight I do not discount how apropos the conversation was that reminded me, just before I get to enter a new season of Grief work, that it is my favorite. I have every opportunity to adquirir knowledge, skills, experience, and if you will indulge me a little more- YOU. 

It's selfish to think of humans as an acquisition. And here you are, spending time in my life, a beautiful part of my collection, perhaps having been with me all along, only for a while now, or maybe we're just getting to know each other. Regardless, it's wonderful to be connected with so many other humans- family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers- and thank you for letting me share my life with you. 

I'm sure you think I should round it all back out and get sappy, say the thing that would make sense, the whole "Te Quiero" business to wrap it up nicely, but guys, yeesh, I can't hug everyone.

Besides, word nerd that I am, I will be searching my lexicon for the right way to phrase what you mean to me as I'm working through the trying time ahead and sharing the experience and all the big ideas and of course, the big feelings that come our way.