Irreverent Eloquence

There won't be a CaringBridge authored by me with updates on my health status. I used that site for years when I had babies in the NICU and was giving all the daily feeding and growing stats. I will tell you that I am an open book in most aspects of my life, however, so should you be so curious, you can certainly check in and ask me directly. I am also willing to give rolling updates periodically in here, though you may have to tolerate wading through big feelings and various grief dissections in other posts to find the ones that give only the fine details about the cancer that launched me on this journey and how we are managing that health crisis. Chemo Round One DONE, Day 1 in clinic, Day 2 and 3 at home If you've gotten to this post and haven't started at "Adquirir" or the others that give context, I can launch a little SBAR for you. (Or, start here: Adquirir ) Situation: I was unexpectedly diagnosed with advanced metastatic colon cancer a month ago, noted to ...

A couple months back I found myself on a winding country road on some idyllic late summer evening, meandering to visit a friend for dinner. Music on, thoughts in the wind, I was in no rush to arrive. Some stranger was in a rush and crossed my path at an intersection, their car flying across the road perpendicular to me, just ahead of me, and my thoughts jumped faster than my foot to the brake pedal.   Sunday drive sunset on a summer's eve "That was close." I know there are times when we can blink, take a breath, and keep singing as though nothing happened. And truly, nothing did happen: No crash, and no dramatic honking or wild gestures to signal the other driver. They had gauged the gap well enough, and I didn't slow my roll, though the train of thought that second of speed triggered was more significant. We could classify it as intrusive thoughts, those unbidden, foreboding images of accidents and crashes, actions we could take that are out of character and unimagin...

There has been a fine line these last few weeks since finding out that my sigmoid colon is nearly obstructed. From the initial colonoscopy report, they were unable to pass either the pediatric scope or the endoscope, leaving only an 8 mm lumen for things to pass down and out: solid, liquid, or gas... Hilariously, I hadn't really been having issues. I wasn't feeling like I was struggling in the month before my "hernia pain." My family will tell you that I think quite a few of us are chronically constipated, so it's not exactly a prospect I ignore. In fact, we regularly have a two-quart pitcher of Magic Juice on hand in the fridge, with Crystal Light and two caps of MiraLax pre-dosed for anyone. Regardless, I started MiraLax the evening I heard it was colon cancer, trying to get a head start on the bowel prep I knew was coming. Morning and evening cup of coffee/ tea dosed! Sometimes add a midday round as well... I hadn't really thought through the mechanism of ...

It's been a big week, and I've had so many thoughts, feelings, ideas, and anecdotes that are jumbled and bouncing and wanting to be shared. And I've stalled on writing. On some days I have prioritized life differently than I expected, recognizing my energy was low and pulling back from pulling all nighters as would be my normal writing style. Some days have been forced to silence with sedation procedures, and others caught up in being present in active life with my family.  I've also been challenged on my communication by friends closest to me: I've been quiet, not forthcoming...I'm defensive...I'm not optimistic enough? While those not among my familiars may be getting more jovial, more open, and likely plenty colorful chatter when I have a chance to share.  All the questions come to the forefront as I look at the list of topics I want to cover, and soon, before those moments lose the clarity I have had. When I'm writing and sharing my grief journey...

 It's a question at first,  "So what happens now?" , and when it echoes, my brain turns it to lyrics. Probably obscure to most people, unless you have musicals playing in your memory bank like I do.  Growing up I would watch some great films on VHS, Evita being one of my favorites. Some of the songs are catchy and move you through with enthusiasm. The lyrics from this one are a little more halting, 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall,' carrying some loneliness and sadness, maybe an underlying sigh of resignation.  Lyrics and Song "Another Suitcase in Another Hall" For those who don't have the same affinity for cleaning house while jamming to Antonio Banderas and Madonna tangoing through an epic tragedy, feel free to visit the link above for the full song/ lyrics. Alternately, I can probably sum up the next lines my brain sings:   "You'll get by, you always have before..." "Where am I going to?" "Don't ask anymore....

 Somewhere in my road trip packing plans is always a handy hobby, quite literally usually stitching, to keep my fingers moving if I am not driving. There is usually a notebook for writing the to-do list as well and well-meaning as I am, that one does get me carsick quickly so tends to get shuffled away.   On last weekend's road trip there was "Dig Deeper," a set of question cards meant to prompt great conversations - slightly more interesting than my pillow case embroidery and certainly more entertaining than the to-do list. I'm packing up now for an MEA family tradition- road trip to Branson, MO with all 4 kids - and I'm lucky enough to have a partner that's driving so my hands are free. Rummaging through the bags we brought back from WI just 8 days ago, I was searching for that kit with my handiwork to put in the travel tote. Somehow, I found the fabric in its hoop, my needle case, the tiny scissors, but I am missing the bag of colored floss.  It was only 8 ...

       I got my period this morning, for once right on time. Lounging in bed a little longer, still sleep addled, I could laugh...maybe this last week of overwhelm was part of a bad dream, just a rough run of PMS. If I simply said what I felt: the sleep troubles and some back pain, moodiness and fatigue, bloating and cramps, would I be able to pass it off this time? Coffee in bed and fully awake, I took a little time to wonder: How many cycles? How many months? Truly, how many years has it been "Just"?  It's not my favorite to begin at the End when I tell the start of my story now. Though I suppose this is the Beginning of the End. For the cancer, obviously, not me personally. For me, it rather seems as though this is an awkward introduction; I've come late to the party being thrown by strangers in my own house. And awkward indeed, the number of times this last week I have had introductions and had to start this story, repeating myself. Maybe more embarrassing t...

  Adquirir.       That's one of my favorite words, did you know? I do have quite a few favorites but this year, that one has been top of the list. Not that there is anywhere I can use it... Spanish words don't come up in my daily vernacular, so it is all the more fun to flip them on the tongue for special occasions.  It's such a beautiful word to say and to describe how I think about my life. And I love the double meaning it carries: To buy or purchase: Used in formal contexts to describe buying goods, property, or companies. To gain or develop over time : Used for intangible things like skills, knowledge, habits, or fame. Some of you might not know me on a deeply personal level yet, at least not enough to know that the first meaning fits the cluttered chaos that can be our precariously balanced life. I have forever enjoyed acquiring "things." Lately I've been more of a window shopper since I have collected plenty enough over the years but I have had a kna...

is my world out of balance, the stars misaligned? have i neglected some portal, window closing on space and time? this feeling is weighted, grave and ominous, impendent in the room,  unfortunately begotten, intentionally untuned.  I have been remiss, I do acknowledge. I have chosen to be ignorant, I am blissfully incompetent.  perhaps there is a tolerance, a permissive margin? grace period incarnate, a manifested bargain? the entity is unknown, an error uncited, impatience certainly broods, Vague obscurity indeed, no light shining in the fugue.  I will need to decide, seek out or still hide...Am I giving or receiving this silent recompense?

Do you remember you are wild? Wayward and cunning,  lusting for adventure... You need to let the sun in. Throw open the window, the breeze beckons with allure. You are indeed a wanton,  that smirk says you are always sure. There is no mirror where you are going. You need not tame the curls,  let them blow long and tangle wildly,  continue running, unconcerned.  I know that you can feel it, in fact you pine for all that pain. Do you curse the stones beneath your feet? Or know with every step you gain that Distance and Perspective and a glimmer more of Memory of that forgotten and keen girl that you my darling were wont to be. 

 Me siento extra ñ o Como extranjero en mi cuerpo Mi alma está demasiada tranquila, quieta como el ruido, orgulloso y llena con silencio Yo s é  que eso sí que es. Todav í a Estoy aquí.   aunque estoy un poco perdido                --- footnote for this bit of randomness is a tickler mostly for my memory. A busy day at work and a frustrated fried brain had my mind screaming for some inspiration and it was trying to reach for poetry. I drove to choir and on the way, words stacked up in my brain, like tetris blocks, not colored but rather in Spanish, which made me smile. Minutes to spare, I quickly found a pen and wrote the words down before we started singing in Latin, a little worried that I would jumble the stack or push it back into English and it would crash into a meaningless heap.  After choir, Eden called and wanted to talk about her stressors for the day. One of the things weighing on her was an assignment...