Irreverent Eloquence

It's been a big week, and I've had so many thoughts, feelings, ideas, and anecdotes that are jumbled and bouncing and wanting to be shared. And I've stalled on writing. On some days I have prioritized life differently than I expected, recognizing my energy was low and pulling back from pulling all nighters as would be my normal writing style. Some days have been forced to silence with sedation procedures, and others caught up in being present in active life with my family.  I've also been challenged on my communication by friends closest to me: I've been quiet, not forthcoming...I'm defensive...I'm not optimistic enough? While those not among my familiars may be getting more jovial, more open, and likely plenty colorful chatter when I have a chance to share.  All the questions come to the forefront as I look at the list of topics I want to cover, and soon, before those moments lose the clarity I have had. When I'm writing and sharing my grief journey...

 It's a question at first,  "So what happens now?" , and when it echoes, my brain turns it to lyrics. Probably obscure to most people, unless you have musicals playing in your memory bank like I do.  Growing up I would watch some great films on VHS, Evita being one of my favorites. Some of the songs are catchy and move you through with enthusiasm. The lyrics from this one are a little more halting, 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall,' carrying some loneliness and sadness, maybe an underlying sigh of resignation.  Lyrics and Song "Another Suitcase in Another Hall" For those who don't have the same affinity for cleaning house while jamming to Antonio Banderas and Madonna tangoing through an epic tragedy, feel free to visit the link above for the full song/ lyrics. Alternately, I can probably sum up the next lines my brain sings:   "You'll get by, you always have before..." "Where am I going to?" "Don't ask anymore....

 Somewhere in my road trip packing plans is always a handy hobby, quite literally usually stitching, to keep my fingers moving if I am not driving. There is usually a notebook for writing the to-do list as well and well-meaning as I am, that one does get me carsick quickly so tends to get shuffled away.   On last weekend's road trip there was "Dig Deeper," a set of question cards meant to prompt great conversations - slightly more interesting than my pillow case embroidery and certainly more entertaining than the to-do list. I'm packing up now for an MEA family tradition- road trip to Branson, MO with all 4 kids - and I'm lucky enough to have a partner that's driving so my hands are free. Rummaging through the bags we brought back from WI just 8 days ago, I was searching for that kit with my handiwork to put in the travel tote. Somehow, I found the fabric in its hoop, my needle case, the tiny scissors, but I am missing the bag of colored floss.  It was only 8 ...

       I got my period this morning, for once right on time. Lounging in bed a little longer, still sleep addled, I could laugh...maybe this last week of overwhelm was part of a bad dream, just a rough run of PMS. If I simply said what I felt: the sleep troubles and some back pain, moodiness and fatigue, bloating and cramps, would I be able to pass it off this time? Coffee in bed and fully awake, I took a little time to wonder: How many cycles? How many months? Truly, how many years has it been "Just"?  It's not my favorite to begin at the End when I tell the start of my story now. Though I suppose this is the Beginning of the End. For the cancer, obviously, not me personally. For me, it rather seems as though this is an awkward introduction; I've come late to the party being thrown by strangers in my own house. And awkward indeed, the number of times this last week I have had introductions and had to start this story, repeating myself. Maybe more embarrassing t...

  Adquirir.       That's one of my favorite words, did you know? I do have quite a few favorites but this year, that one has been top of the list. Not that there is anywhere I can use it... Spanish words don't come up in my daily vernacular, so it is all the more fun to flip them on the tongue for special occasions.  It's such a beautiful word to say and to describe how I think about my life. And I love the double meaning it carries: To buy or purchase: Used in formal contexts to describe buying goods, property, or companies. To gain or develop over time : Used for intangible things like skills, knowledge, habits, or fame. Some of you might not know me on a deeply personal level yet, at least not enough to know that the first meaning fits the cluttered chaos that can be our precariously balanced life. I have forever enjoyed acquiring "things." Lately I've been more of a window shopper since I have collected plenty enough over the years but I have had a kna...

is my world out of balance, the stars misaligned? have i neglected some portal, window closing on space and time? this feeling is weighted, grave and ominous, impendent in the room,  unfortunately begotten, intentionally untuned.  I have been remiss, I do acknowledge. I have chosen to be ignorant, I am blissfully incompetent.  perhaps there is a tolerance, a permissive margin? grace period incarnate, a manifested bargain? the entity is unknown, an error uncited, impatience certainly broods, Vague obscurity indeed, no light shining in the fugue.  I will need to decide, seek out or still hide...Am I giving or receiving this silent recompense?