Grief, Reprised
I've been struggling to choose to write this week. Those I speak to often will have heard me complaining about it weighing on me, this open loop in my brain that has been nagging to be closed, ideally daily. I love being able to sit with my thoughts and articulate them to share, so there is no aversion to typing out the words in sequence.
I am finding that I am not alone often enough, not a real problem to have when I need to be supported well, but a tricky space to navigate when my thoughts are best arranged in that silent air that is never there.
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I have a dear friend who fields the topics that come to mind and is making me a document of titles and the stories I've mentioned to go along with them. Many times I leave a voice note, rattling through the "thinking out loud," and use that medium to empty the clattering and cluttered cavity inside my head. I perused the list he has started, feeling somewhat annoyed at the déjà vu that some of these topics have caused.
I've done many of these big feelings before. I've experienced many of these moments in the past. This feels like grief... repeated? Is that the word? It's a different version, for a different reason. While the theme could be played like music, is it somehow now in a different key? Perhaps it is more like a reprise, a repetition of a role I've played before, or an act I can do differently now on this stage, in this season of life.
I do wonder if it will sound different now that I'm older. Having lived through some grizzling, wisening years in the past, will this round of grief present in a better tempo, or give clearer context to the drama that lies ahead?
I haven't really reread my own scribblings from the past. I used this space as such an outlet through the few years when I thought grief a brief visitor, one not destined to return often or early in my future. Should I peruse them now? Every time I have a theme that feels challenging or enlightening these days, I worry that I have already exhausted the exploration, or at least the audience. Perhaps it is moot, being better to clear my head and give clarity to the scenes I'm witnessing or experiencing for myself foremost.
And as for repeating myself, I suppose I may have to beg forgiveness from those who have joined me, either on stage or in the audience, in the past. I haven't learned the notes for this reprise, though the lyrics are on the tip of my tongue. I am sure I will fumble through somehow, catching on as I go, or perhaps, even better, just making it up along the way.
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