the Defining Moments

It's been a big week, and I've had so many thoughts, feelings, ideas, and anecdotes that are jumbled and bouncing and wanting to be shared. And I've stalled on writing. On some days I have prioritized life differently than I expected, recognizing my energy was low and pulling back from pulling all nighters as would be my normal writing style. Some days have been forced to silence with sedation procedures, and others caught up in being present in active life with my family. 

I've also been challenged on my communication by friends closest to me: I've been quiet, not forthcoming...I'm defensive...I'm not optimistic enough? While those not among my familiars may be getting more jovial, more open, and likely plenty colorful chatter when I have a chance to share. 

All the questions come to the forefront as I look at the list of topics I want to cover, and soon, before those moments lose the clarity I have had. When I'm writing and sharing my grief journey, my life, my experiences: 

what should this blog be?

 what voice and what tone should I take?

is this a space for honesty? for vulnerability?

who is my audience?

 

I have appreciated hearing from anyone who has read my ramblings and found it entertaining, meaningful, informative, or just interesting. I have heard that this could be seen as a gift for my children to be able to have them look back on these times in my life, their lives? our lives! and to get to hear my voice telling the stories from a side they didn't live. 

And the audience question does give me pause. This medium is not some private journal, found when I am gone and read in posterity. It's a series of current events and my reactions and interpretations. There are times in the past when I've used this space to share very personal thoughts and didn't shy away from the big, hard, ugly. That being said, those moments were more often in the height of grieving my son and that felt simple to share. 

The end of my marriage was certainly harder, and while I was protecting my peace, I prized magnanimity and grace.  There were writings that came out as lamentations on identity loss and single parenthood certainly, and again, those seemed universally accessible. 

Is this journey something that resonates in more ways than just a health struggle? Will it be something I can process on 'paper' and not feel exposed or embarrassed by the crass or awkward topics? Maybe tonight's thoughts are just to be forewarnings for all you "gentle readers" 😅. I cannot say that I will be divulging anything spectacular and yet I should be sure to be defined by the blog title I chose more than a decade ago, Irreverent Eloquence, and keep my voice very surely mine.