Sunshine in Hell

       I was talking to a good friend of mine tonight and she asked what I planned to write about next, saying she hoped it was something happy. She said that after my few brief breaks lately that my writing is dark and sad. From a literary perspective, it seems I have lost my balance, that the end of my posts don't lift the reader back to equilibrium but rather drop them into the pit with me, on uneven footing and all off kilter in the world. 

       I've been thinking a lot about balance lately. The half full glass, or is it half empty? My view of  the world has shifted perhaps from being optimistic and upbeat to something cynical and melancholy. I know I've said before that I have long subscribed to the philosophy that to enjoy the good times in life, we must endure the tough times. I still believe that whole-heartedly and it is in reviewing this lately that I am struggling. I can imagine my other life, the one I want to have been given with a living son, my four children all in a row. I am realistic enough to know that even that dream life would have been difficult, because in that gift I would never have been given the pain of loss and the Grief that has come with death, so would never appreciate without complaint the perfection I had really attained. 

       I can look at my life now, my husband and three beautiful and fun-loving daughters reveling in the summer sun and I can enjoy my little slice of heaven. I can see the gifts given to me and appreciate all that I have, physically reach out  to hug and hold those I love. Yet there are so many tears in this heaven. It is as though my world is filled with blue skies, green grass and a sweet breeze but I cannot escape the ever present drizzle that rains down here. For all the wonders I have been given, I still yearn for the one I am missing. 

       Do you know, the reverse would have been true if I now had a five-month old on my hip? Well, maybe it would be flipped upside down in that reality. Instead of 'Tears in Heaven', it might be more 'Sunshine in Hell.' Managing an infant waking the house at night, packing four kids for a weekend away with dad, keeping track of diaper changes/feedings/big sister's insulin, add it all together and it might feel a little like hell most days. I've done that crazy life before and I remember not loving every bit of it. I remember the struggles and the exhaustion and that fear that I would never catch up. But the sun shines into that hell, I remember that too. Babies learn quickly- to smile and to laugh, to eat their toes and then to crawl. Big sisters pick fights but they also pick each other up and teach games and songs. There were lots of days when the rays of light broke through the hard shell of hell and reminded us that life could be fun. 

       I'm waiting for the drizzle to dry up here in my heaven. Or should I be waiting for a return to hell and be looking forward to sunny skies there? One would think there could be a "happy" medium, a level ground between the two worlds where my feet are firmly planted and the weather is pleasant and predictable. 

       I've been captaining my ship for a long while now...I know I've not been great at predicting the storms before they hit and I'm not sure I've ever been able to keep an even keel through them, though it's not for lack of trying. I've been accused, well-meaningly, of not trying hard enough lately. I've had the insight to recognize that Grief is hard work and that taking vacations from it is not helping. I've been able to observe myself drifting, still moving every day, though not as fast yet as the real world, and I have kept an eye on that, putting a little wind in my sails when I can, starting a sputtering engine even when needed. 

       I guess I'm not sure how I am faring, on my own little Grief journey. Never having navigated these particular waters before I am charting as I go, not exactly content to be holding my umbrella for the consistent mist that continues to dampen my daily life. I have not set my sights on land yet either, none too keen to make a plan for the future, knowing full well that the grass on land may be greener but the maintenance won't be any easier. Tonight, then, we'll all just have to drift together, put our best and most stable foot forward...I'll keep a tight grip on the wheel though I just can't plan the weather or the waves, but don't worry too much, I'll keep trying.