I'm Ready to Quit my Job.

       They say that Grief is "work." That it takes time to push through it and resolve, if it ever does. There are stages according to theorists, levels to wade through, emotions to push past until the Grief is over.


       I have to tell you though, it's a lot of hard work. Sure, the beginning stages just happen. The shock is a fog that envelops you and there is no way around it, even for those logical souls among us. It cycles too, though not exactly as simply as this shows. It feels more like a roller coaster, one day fine and the next the bottom drops out again. I've been finding it difficult to keep up with the Grief work. 
       I have a few other careers that are taking some of my time. During the week, I'm a stay at home mom to my three daughters, balancing Type 1 Diabetes in my 6-year old along with my wonderful Diva with more attitude than I know what to do with, and throw in my 2-year old that is making attempts (though not solid strides) at potty training. In the evenings, I am juggling the three of them while playing at being a great housewife to my husband of almost 8 years. Combine that with my professional life of being an RN every weekend and I stay busy. 
       So, this 'job' I've been tasked with, parenting/grieving a dead baby, well it sorta sucks. It sucks up my focus and my energy, my time and my patience. It sucks up my real life and flushes it down the drain, drains me of so much I'd love to give my family and friends instead. I've been thinking of quitting. I doubt I'll do it anytime soon, I won't be too hasty, but it's been on my mind more often that not lately. I tried taking a vacation and tested out the denial phase of Grief and found it didn't work for me...needless to say, up and quitting cold turkey then might be awfully tricky; I'm thinking I'll develop a weaning strategy. 
       If I follow the resolution of Grief according to the theorists, I can move on to "Release and Honor" and a "Return to Love." I like that these models don't put a timeline on it for me, can't exactly set the days on my calendar about when I'll get that emotional release and sense of peace. Love for the living and enjoying life might come a little sooner I'd expect...well, one can only hope!


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