A Blip on the Radar

      Last year this day meant so much to me. I launched a week of self-reflection and forced positivity and I started with Griffin's Shoes, a look at who I was as a newly bereaved mom, Griffin's mom.
     This year, a dear friend messaged me to start my day, one who also shares the title of Bereaved Mother, telling me that I was on her mind and wishing me well. To be honest, with so much going on in our lives with four busy little bodies buzzing about, I had forgotten that it was Sunday, May 3rd. I forgot that this was the launch of "Beth Week" again  with its many days to reflect on who I am.
     I acknowledged the reminder, though did I appreciate it? More than a year into this loss world, I find days randomly strewn into my calendar that have caught me feeling like Beth the Bereaved. I know I valued the label once, now I'm not certain I'll ask for it on a special day every year.

     The history of this day is relatively new but I think it is well placed in May. Read about the 'holiday' here:

International Bereaved Mother's Day

    I have had to think about where this mother's day for me and my firstborn son has found my heart...It would be wonderful to say that it has healed. Most days it feels almost whole. I can speak Griffin's name without pausing, without choking back tears now. I can hear someone talking about him, usually his big sisters, and usually I smile. 

     Today was a typical mother's day for me, though we weren't playing it as one. We moved flowers, weeded gardens, and assessed the new growth that spring has sprung in our lives. I raked leaves and unearthed green little buds, rolled dead and dried blossoms to the woods, scooping up a few toad friends on the way. We shared the discovery of the hopping wonders, all camouflaged in the grass and constantly attempting the escape from tiny prodding fingers. Among all the living things are the reminders of our dead. We were given a garden stone, a cuddling cherub, and a stone griffin, all to serve as mementos for our little man now long gone. They had been placed next to the creeping thyme, marking time itself as the seasons changed everything but its stone facade. My family helped them migrate this afternoon, cozying the cherub next to the catmint, finding the fierce griffin a home amidst the hydrangeas. My little girls love this garden and are welcome to explore it. Our last little buddy came out to play today, and though he didn't make it as far as the rocks or hill, he was so comfortable lounging in the grass, laying out in the shade. It was quite the juxtaposition, his cheerful activity settled near the outdoor memorial for a brother that is forever still. 

For once, for probably the only time it will not be planned, we were a cohesive unit, a whole family frolicking in our front yard. It was a great mother's day, if still a little bereaved.