I Eat Raw Cookie Dough.

I have a confession: I eat raw cookie dough. I let my kids eat it too. Terrible isn't it? 

It's dangerous you know. 

It harbors all kinds of scary bugs in its deliciousness. Specifically E.coli and Salmonella. I should really stop doing it. I should prevent my kids from ever doing that too right? What could happen to them if they got sick from that one bite of sweetness that floats memories straight to their brains is too much for me to handle. 

       I don't gate our stairs at home. I never have. All my kids and both my husband and I have fallen down the stairs. I really should do something about them. They're dangerous. Hard with their wooden treads, they are an accident just one slippery sock away from happening.

I let the girls ride bikes in the cul-de-sac. Most of the time while wearing their helmets and me watching...

Though sometimes they don't get the helmet on properly or right away. And sometimes I am in the house, peeking on them through the front window. 

It's dangerous out there though, with all those child abductors and head injuries waiting to strike. 

We should really stop letting them do that. 

What else? 

What else is dangerous? What else should we fear? 

I was so blissfully untouched by the fear of death before my son was born, before he was stolen from us by a mere chance, a lottery winning chance. 

In the aftermath of his death I have had moments when I worry. Seems silly to say that because it goes against my nature really to worry. I was never a helicopter parent, floating within arms reach of my girls to protect them from harm...should I start now I have wondered?

A few times in the beginning of Grief I panicked for them, for myself. Who would I turn into if something happened to them? How would my marriage and family survive another loss? 

I realized quickly enough though, that I cannot prevent Death. I might fret and frown, hover and try to catch those I love from falling, but in the process I would change. My girls would change too. They wouldn't be the free-spirited sprites I have raised so far, fearless and adventuresome in their playing. They would never learn the confidence that comes with being self-assured, were they always to look to me to carry them through difficult times.

 So I packaged up the thought that I should change my style; I pushed aside the concerns for the things in life I cannot always predict or prevent and I have parented on. 

I want Griffin's life and untimely death to change our family and the way we love each other.

I need this trial to have a purpose, to move us forward. I am trying very hard to make that a worthy goal for him. In doing so, I am also trying very hard to not let this define us in a negative way. I don't want it to modify how we live every day, and I do not want to go on with life with a jaded outlook. 

The challenge then is this: to appreciate what I have, to recognize the risks that are worth taking, and to learn to live with the choices we make that sometimes do not work out how we thought they should.