I've Lost the Thread

 Somewhere in my road trip packing plans is always a handy hobby, quite literally usually stitching, to keep my fingers moving if I am not driving. There is usually a notebook for writing the to-do list as well and well-meaning as I am, that one does get me carsick quickly so tends to get shuffled away.  

On last weekend's road trip there was "Dig Deeper," a set of question cards meant to prompt great conversations - slightly more interesting than my pillow case embroidery and certainly more entertaining than the to-do list. I'm packing up now for an MEA family tradition- road trip to Branson, MO with all 4 kids - and I'm lucky enough to have a partner that's driving so my hands are free. Rummaging through the bags we brought back from WI just 8 days ago, I was searching for that kit with my handiwork to put in the travel tote. Somehow, I found the fabric in its hoop, my needle case, the tiny scissors, but I am missing the bag of colored floss. 

It was only 8 days ago. Where could it have gone? How have I lost the thread?



Frustrating that I cannot collect my thoughts well enough tonight to remember where I may have put it. Which vehicle were we driving, in which house did I last use it, was it something I unpacked, or did someone else?  I try to flip back through the last 8 days like a post-it calendar and somehow I cannot follow the timeline. My brain is jumbled and chaotic, so full of stories and ideas and all the questions, plans and places just swirling. If I tried to pull it, to grab the floating line of time from in there, to straighten it out to see where I have been and what I've been through, would it help? I wonder if instead of a stack, pages of patient appointment guides and dates and times in reams, could I simplify it in my mind's eye and make it all make sense?



 **October 4, 2026**  

• 5-hour road trip home from WI

• SMH Emergency Department - IV fluids, labs (OK), ECG(?!?), pain control, Rest 5 hours

**October 5, 2026** 

• Worked partial day in office • Met with supervisor • Discussed diagnosis with colleagues

• Informal consultations/discussions with:   - GI  - Cardiology  - Primary Care

• Repeat ECG (better; CTA requested) • Labs

• Virtual therapy session

• PET/CT completed (confirmed colon tumor, lymph node involvement, extensive liver tumors; query ovarian involvement)

• Overnight bowel prep, no sleep ( AND missed choir rehearsal)

│

**October 6, 2026** 

• 7:00 AM Colonoscopy (FAILED!!!); converted to flex sig

  - Biopsies obtained; tattoo placed adjacent to confirmed nearly obstructive tumor

• Rested/napped after sleepless night

• Midday CT Pulmonary Angiogram (CTA Chest) negative for pulmonary embolism, Attempt to nap

• HOME TO KIDS - discussed diagnosis with 3 kids at home and 1 kid via video call at college

• 9:30 PM MRI Abdomen completed (liver tumor count updated to 10 lesions, previously estimated at 8)

• Late-night phone calls to tell best friends

│

**October 7, 2026**  

• WORKDAY REMOTE • Told close family (parents, siblings)

• Told extended family (co-parent, in-laws included)

• Told all my Wise Women

• No sleep into Thursday; Pain is a Problem?


**October 8, 2026** 

• Initial GI consult ("Welcome to Cancer!")

• Attempted nap

• US-guided liver biopsy (not sedated; pain IS a problem) • Medication given post-procedure

  - Significant restrictions for 7 days!!  

• Home to NAP (4 glorious hours); missed project meetings at work


**October 9, 2026** 

• After 5 hours of sleep; WORKDAY REMOTE

• Reviewed upcoming appointments and communicated needs for help • Updated anyone else I had missed

• Last-minute Cancer Dietitian appointment (lost 16+ pounds since Sept. 1; no appetite; limited food options due to obstructive tumor)

• Worked a bit more  • HOME TO KIDS - SING Democracy 250 Watch Party (made pizza, fruit/yogurt parfaits) 

*Reminder: NO LIFTING  • Sleep? EAT??


**October 10, 2026**

• Need to write in the early morning hours; rest but awake early HOME WITH KIDS  • Pow wow with teenagers about life

• Pain again? Need sleep. • 90-minute nap * reminder: NO LIFTING

• Orchard photo shoot with teenagers (autonomic problems; it's hot out)

• Probably need to hydrate • And eat.

│

**October 11, 2026**

• Catch-up communication with best friends • Think about social media "release"

• Eat? Pack for trip? *Reminder:  NO LIFTING

• Watch kids' HONORS CHOIR CONCERT (getting tired and overwhelmed?)

• EAT  • Try to sleep

│

**October 12, 2026**

• WHY so restless? Sleep 12:00 AM-1:30 AM, then finally 4:00 AM-7:30 AM  • Eat.

• Primary Care visit to DEBRIEF   - What is medically left (non-cancer)?

• Labs  • RESEARCH STUDY MEET    • Cologuard (for the study) hahaha

• WORK in office   - COMPLETE BLS  - Say hello to everyone

• Tea with new friend (both kinds)  • Therapy :)

• Choir (face the music?) EAT. DRINK. WRITE. Sleep???


__________________UPCOMING______________________

**October 13, 2026**

• Oncology Pain Med   - I need the WHY this hurts, non-pharm options

• Dreaded Pelvic/Rectal MRI   - Yes, sedation!  - Thank goodness for my caring driver  - BRING EMESIS BAGS

• WORK REMOTE??? Pack! EATTTTT. Sleep. Bowel prep?


**October 14, 2026** 

• Why have I not packed....we leave this afternoon!!! • Genetics appointment   - Is it Lynch? Biopsy is sllllloooooowwww 

• Shoot, I forgot to get the van's oil changed   - Over lunch break?

• Afternoon Cancer "Team" Meeting   - Open invitation to 3 girls to attend if they want

  - Colorectal Surgery   - GI Medical Oncology   - Radiation Oncology   - Curbside to Liver Surgeon?

• LOAD UP for Vacation



Well, I didn't see that way either.  Between the lack of sleep and bouts of pain, the sedation and the big feelings, the ins and outs of cars and clinics and houses, all the dialogue with all the people, being poked and prodded and questioned and cared for, given test results and no solid plans........

 I still haven't exactly found my thread. 


                    Don't read me as worried. I know it's upcoming, the chance to find some, even if it isn't the exact one I was working with before. There are probably plenty I'll have to choose from soon enough, as the kids will remind me of the ever present tangle of threads to manage at home. And I know my family has many I've woven with them over the years. And I've got lots of crafty friends and wise women to braid it all together when I start to believe I can't keep up. 

When I have a little more energy to see it clearly, it will be intriguing to see the new threads that I am gifted along the way, new people to meet and places to intertwine into my handiwork in ways I wasn't planning and couldn't predict. And as for this road trip, well, I suppose I will be packing my to-do list to keep my hands busy. Or maybe just a few movies to go along with my good company and try a comfy pillow to get some rest?

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