Two week wait.

       TWW. 2weeks. When trying to get pregnant, this is the longest and most tortuous phrase in the whole of a woman's vocabulary. It is the window of time between ovulation and when you could possibly see a BFP: a + sign on one of those HPTs- pee sticks for those who don't speak the lingo. 
       I've lived that tww a few times when trying to conceive. I've wished time to fly while wishing the end of the cycle would never come. It's a tricky thing to want only one outcome and for each day to spin faster to get to the answer, but to not want the answer to be negative. 
       I'm living a different two week wait right now. I am waiting to have a baby. A baby. Not just a positive on a pregnancy test...that horrible surprise came months ago, when I had made up my mind to check the quality of my uterus but with the knowledge that I was not really desiring a pregnancy after loss, especially not any time so soon. 
       The days in this two week wait last forever. Every cramp, every twinge, every zinger of nerve pain gets analyzed and relayed throughout my body to my overloaded brain. I'm at home, caring for my daughters and this unborn surprise, trying to prepare my head, my heart, and my house for a new family member that I just cannot fathom joining us in fourteen days. 
       It's exhausting thinking through my symptoms of a regular, healthy, third trimester pregnancy and talking myself down umpteen times a day. I have enjoyed so many pregnancies before this one, relished the kicks and contractions and appointments with care providers I loved. I have looked forward to births and babies and prepared myself for battles too many times to count. 
       Maybe this time I have the excuse that we know better. We know there is no guarantee. There is no safeguard for this baby, though we are trying to make it as safe as possible by planning a surgical birth and planning it a month early. But I'm well aware that this is all just a lottery, a crapshoot. I did not plan this baby's life, and I cannot do more than hope we will not live to see it's death. That being said, I am struggling this time...to enjoy even a second of it. 
       I'm trying. Best as I can, I am trying to put on a brave face. I am finally realizing that in two weeks I will need to go through birth, much as I hate the prospect, and that I will have to look back at this long year of my life with respect and not loathing, especially the harried section from late summer until now. I've done lots of talking and processing and I'm giving myself the space and peace and grace to do this pregnancy after loss my way. It isn't always pretty and it hasn't been without its share of stress and tears. I'm getting there though, slowly. 
Two weeks is all. It isn't long though each day hangs on, the next looming large and intimidating on the calendar, taunting me. Will we make it that long? Will we make it out alive?

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 6, 2015 at 1:17 PM

    I believe...it's going to be ok!

    ReplyDelete
  2. DhanyaMassFebruary 10, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. DhanyaMassFebruary 10, 2015 at 10:55 AM

    Hey Momma. A friend just told me about your blog. There is so much I can relate to. We lost our 2nd baby during and HBAC and the pregnancy that followed with his rainbow brother seemed almost dreamlike. Were we really getting a baby? Hadn't I JUST done this whole pregnant over the summer thing? (the boys were 13 months apart.. so I was pretty much just as pregnant at the exact same times of year). If your experience is anything like mine then I hope for you that the reality and joy of it all rushes upon you when you hold your newborn little one for the 1st time and hear his or her cry. For us we choose a hospital near us that has doctors and midwives, so we got the midwife treatment for prenatal care, but we had the doctors there hook us up with a gentle cesarean. I couldn't face attempting another VBAC, I thought it would be just like the one before and my baby would die. They wouldn't take my baby until 40 weeks, and I was terrified of going into labor and loosing him like his brother, but it all worked out! The day the scheduled the C was 13 months to the day from our angel baby's birth, so poetic, and we didn't even ask for that day! It was amazing to hear him cry and see him move, it finally hit me then as real. I will keep yo in my thoughts and I pray that this new life brings healing to your broken hearts in ways you may not even be able to imagine now. That was our experience anyways. I was not even able to begin processing my birth and loss until after we had had our rainbow baby for awhile. Anyways, this must be a busy and frankly exhausting time for you, but if you even want to chat with another sunshine-angel-rainbow mom, please please please don't hesitate to drop me a line. It's an exclusive and strange position we find ourselves in, not everyone understands. I hope this time flies by for you as the birth of your little one reveals you do indeed have more room in your life and in your heart for this newest surprise.

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