An Open Letter to My Son.
An Open Letter to My Son (Eulogy from his memorial service 2/15/2014)
Oh Griffin...how to put on a page a lifetime of words to say to you? All the important life lessons you will never hear? “Are you bleeding? No? Then you’re fine!”, “Don’t lick your sister; you are not a puppy!” The thousands of Uh-Uhs and No-Nos and the millions of “I love you’s?”
I wanted to write my dreams for you, our hopes for your future, never to be realized...but it is heartbreaking to think of all those things long gone.Instead, I should tell you what I remember and loved of our time together, hoping you loved it too!
I guess you could say that I knew you when you were a twinkle in your daddy’s eye. We wondered if it was you when we were expecting all your sisters...but you waited! More than 6 years it took to see your beautiful face, and I’ll tell you, it was quite a few twinkles in your daddy’s eye too! :)
But when we found out YOU were coming, we were very excited. We told your sisters and they couldn’t help but countdown to your arrival: the start of kindergarten for Charlotte, fall and winter holidays discovered anew for Gretchen, a 4th birthday for Eden and the New Year for mom and dad...then a NEW BABY!
We had looked in on you halfway through and decided to you surprise us. And What A Surprise! I was convinced that you were another daughter, even though it was different this time. Those 38weeks flew by without a hitch. How perfect and stress free our lives were with you snuggled in to term! You were head down and ready to launch any day. And I enjoyed every roll of your little knees, treasured the kicks of your little feet. I wasn’t such a fan of your well-timed punches to the bladder but even still, I cherished our time together and looked forward to your coming which had to be so soon.
And then it began. We started preparing for you to come and put your sisters in their beds. They were so excited, knowing they would get to wake to meet you in the night. And we were so giddy to have you home, healthy and happy and as a whole family. I pulled out a book to read to you after you came out, thinking how wonderful it would be to be your mommy and rock you, read to you, to feed you and bathe you all on my own for the first time in both of our lives.
But though I get to be your mommy forever, I have missed all those wonderful things with you.
I love sharing those simple moments in life with your sisters. I love those silly memories of everyday, singing them songs at night and listening to the ridiculous and amazing things they say (all the wisdom of small children!). I love the craziness we endure that makes lasting impressions- guessing which kid will cause the sleepless night tonight , cleaning popcorn and playdoh out of the rug, poop out of the tub, pudding and peanut butter out of the hair...we get to share it all with them.
I love sharing their own stories with them, remembering and laughing and teaching. We talk all about life, especially how it starts, and how it started for all 3 of them. We talk about how they were born, Griffin, and I was going to have a great story to tell you about the night you were born. Your dad was Superman. Your mom was Wonderwoman. And with your sisters chiming in the background about how they saw your first breath, heard your first cry,(guaranteed Gretchen would remind you how she pinched your cute little butt- you gotta watch out for her!), it would have had you in awe.
But with just a little pop, your bubble burst. Mommy’s Rainbow Baby faded and fell, and with it came this storm of tears. I can’t tell you a happy story of how you were born, Griffin, because there isn’t one. But I can do now, one thing that I wanted to do that night. I’ll read you that book and rock you in my heart.
On the Night You were Born (adapted for Griffin)
by Nancy Tillman
On the Night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you and the Night wind whispered, “Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you, ever, in the world.
So enchanted with you,were the wind and the rain, that they whispered the sound of your beautiful name.
“Griffin, you are the one and only ever you.”
It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze… “Who in the world is exactly like you? Who?Who?Who?”
Over the ocean, “You are a miracle,” and through the trees,
until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you.
Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.
When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn. From faraway places, the geese flew home. The moon stayed up until morning next day. And none of the ladybugs flew away.
So whenever you doubt just how special you are and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far, listen for geese honking high in the sky. (They’re singing a song to remember you by.) Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!) Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely...it’s whispering your name again!)
If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decides to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…
For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again…
Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn
on the wonderful,marvelous night you were born.
Oh Griffin...how to put on a page a lifetime of words to say to you? All the important life lessons you will never hear? “Are you bleeding? No? Then you’re fine!”, “Don’t lick your sister; you are not a puppy!” The thousands of Uh-Uhs and No-Nos and the millions of “I love you’s?”
I wanted to write my dreams for you, our hopes for your future, never to be realized...but it is heartbreaking to think of all those things long gone.Instead, I should tell you what I remember and loved of our time together, hoping you loved it too!
I guess you could say that I knew you when you were a twinkle in your daddy’s eye. We wondered if it was you when we were expecting all your sisters...but you waited! More than 6 years it took to see your beautiful face, and I’ll tell you, it was quite a few twinkles in your daddy’s eye too! :)
But when we found out YOU were coming, we were very excited. We told your sisters and they couldn’t help but countdown to your arrival: the start of kindergarten for Charlotte, fall and winter holidays discovered anew for Gretchen, a 4th birthday for Eden and the New Year for mom and dad...then a NEW BABY!
We had looked in on you halfway through and decided to you surprise us. And What A Surprise! I was convinced that you were another daughter, even though it was different this time. Those 38weeks flew by without a hitch. How perfect and stress free our lives were with you snuggled in to term! You were head down and ready to launch any day. And I enjoyed every roll of your little knees, treasured the kicks of your little feet. I wasn’t such a fan of your well-timed punches to the bladder but even still, I cherished our time together and looked forward to your coming which had to be so soon.
And then it began. We started preparing for you to come and put your sisters in their beds. They were so excited, knowing they would get to wake to meet you in the night. And we were so giddy to have you home, healthy and happy and as a whole family. I pulled out a book to read to you after you came out, thinking how wonderful it would be to be your mommy and rock you, read to you, to feed you and bathe you all on my own for the first time in both of our lives.
But though I get to be your mommy forever, I have missed all those wonderful things with you.
I love sharing those simple moments in life with your sisters. I love those silly memories of everyday, singing them songs at night and listening to the ridiculous and amazing things they say (all the wisdom of small children!). I love the craziness we endure that makes lasting impressions- guessing which kid will cause the sleepless night tonight , cleaning popcorn and playdoh out of the rug, poop out of the tub, pudding and peanut butter out of the hair...we get to share it all with them.
But with just a little pop, your bubble burst. Mommy’s Rainbow Baby faded and fell, and with it came this storm of tears. I can’t tell you a happy story of how you were born, Griffin, because there isn’t one. But I can do now, one thing that I wanted to do that night. I’ll read you that book and rock you in my heart.
On the Night You were Born (adapted for Griffin)
by Nancy Tillman
On the Night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you and the Night wind whispered, “Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you, ever, in the world.
So enchanted with you,were the wind and the rain, that they whispered the sound of your beautiful name.
“Griffin, you are the one and only ever you.”
It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze… “Who in the world is exactly like you? Who?Who?Who?”
Over the ocean, “You are a miracle,” and through the trees,
until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you.
Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.
When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn. From faraway places, the geese flew home. The moon stayed up until morning next day. And none of the ladybugs flew away.
So whenever you doubt just how special you are and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far, listen for geese honking high in the sky. (They’re singing a song to remember you by.) Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!) Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely...it’s whispering your name again!)
If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decides to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…
For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again…
Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn
on the wonderful,marvelous night you were born.
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