The Selfie in the Mirror


I'm not myself these days. Will I ever be again? I've tried to catch some "selfies" in the mirrors around my house, thinking that maybe I'll capture a glimpse of her, the old me, lurking there. 
In the beginning of the "after" I could not bear to look at the reflection. Something in those haunted eyes would always startle me and there was a hollowness that sapped the soul...In the "before" I could peek into any mirror anywhere, a quick view into a looking glass for a hair touch-up, makeup application, or wedgie check was not even a thought. 

These selfies make the looking easier. I can analyze the faked smile, practice and work on the sad eyes, like I would work on choosing the perfect outfit. In truth, the seeing myself itself is getting easier. Months it has taken, to simply see my own face without beginning to cry. But I am well versed now at putting the face on to go out into the world, so my tolerance for this new me is a bit higher, even in the mirror.


I've been told I don't look any different in the real world. I suppose that is true. Despite no longer looking pregnant, I do still have the same hair and clothes, the same glasses and shoes. I still have the same lovely three girls tailing me like a row of ducklings.
       Maybe it is really the phantom of who I may have been that is chasing me, lurking in my mind and wishing to be seen, just once, in the mirror. I haven't caught the phantom yet, nor the old me that was spirited away so quickly. I miss looking at her, that silly hopeful thing that did not know this Grief...
I'll keep trying though, don't worry, and one day when I click, there will be the real me again, a new version and improved, a better selfie in the mirror.

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