Mourning in the Modern Age.

My family of 6, celebrating Griffin's existence with our extended family and friends, 3 weeks after his birth and death, just wading into the waters of grief. 

There is no "code" in my generation for mourning. If I were to write a report on Mourning in the Modern Age, I'm not sure where I'd begin. Is there a typical dress associated with death and grief? A custom that is always performed in the here and now for those that have gone before? 

I find myself longing for the ways set centuries ago, perhaps in different cultures than strictly American, perhaps in different religions than simply Christian...I look back at the Victorian age, really not so distant, little more than 100 years ago, and think they might have had it right. To see those traditions celebrated now you may be concerned for someone's sanity and yet, I think death and grief seemed more honored than ever in that generation. Not familiar with Victorian customs? Check some out here: 

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/7-most-morbid-victorian-mourning-traditions

Did they really have it so wrong after all? Yes, those are "morbid" but by definition they must be.

 DEATH is MORBID! 

Photos of my dead son are what keeps him present in my life more than anything. When I question whether he is existed at all there is little proof of life, as he never took a breath and his heart never beat without mine to guide it. Had we no pictures to see his perfection, I may have gone mad attempting to remember his face. 

And though those photos show him at peace, almost serene in his eternal sleep, what I wouldn't give now to edit them, to change his appearance...what would his eyes have looked like? I never braved to see the color. Nor did I attempt to turn my mouth into a smile. My most cherished image now is the photo of him that shows his hair, his hand by his face, a pink tint in his lips and on his cheeks, he looks more alive than dead, though he really never lived.

I would have loved to take more (and should have!) of him dressed in clothes I wanted him to wear, toys I longed for him to play with, and although I have some of him on a blanket I had saved for him and sharing his sisters' blankies, I want more to cherish, those special moments that would only have been his.

And as for the customs of jewelry and clothing...I have a mother and child pendant that I wear now, since the funeral, although it was bought years ago after my first child and never really cherished, so I can't say that I wear it just for Griffin.  I do have his hair locks and dried flowers (from sympathy arrangements some well-wishers had sent) that could be custom made to wear I hear. There is the possibility of a memorial gift of jewelry in the future also. We do have keychains that bear his name and photo to carry with us too.

 Hmm, and wardrobe? Well, I have my usual uniforms: jeans and shirts for mommy career and of course, solid scrubs for my professional one. But neither of these is suitable for mourning in my book. There is no "badge" to wear that signifies I am struggling, no outward indication to others of my trial. I couldn't put on a veil to hide my tears in public, nor clothe myself in a single color to show my grief without again, 

that wonder from others of how far off the deep end I've gone. 

Don't misunderstand me in this: I Wish I could do these things!

You might think, no, not all of them seriously? 

But the answer is yes, quite honestly, almost all of them. 

If you did check out my link and read through them it may seem like overkill, that someone wouldn't possibly need to go to those lengths to share their pain and let it all encompass their life, even their home. 

You maybe haven't felt this loss then, yet. 

I don't wish grief on anyone. I do not want family or a friend, hell, not even an enemy to have to live on through loss like this. You know the saying though, don't you, that Misery LOVES Company? What better way to share the misery than publicly acknowledging it?

In part, perhaps that is why I think number six is one I identify with,despite the thought that it is antiquated. 

Come into my home and it will look normal. How I wish it accurately displayed how the reality feels. Since my son's death there is not a mirror I am friends with now. I knew myself last as a happy, expectant mother, but looking in those mirrors is dangerous: it isn't the me I knew and loved staring back. 

The happy girl is gone and has been replaced by a shell of a woman. So yes, cover the mirrors, please. 

And as for clocks, in the end perhaps it doesn't matter that none of them "stopped, short, never to go again, when the old man died," as the song we have sung to our children for eons will go...because I know that hour and minute in my heart now, the moment that my body gave up on my son and he died...the world has kept turning, time kept ticking and since venturing into the real world is a must, it really doesn't matter that the clocks didn't stop, my heart did.

As much as I wish I could, I won't do all these things to display my grief. Perhaps I'll write a Part II to actually share our Modern Mourning, including the funeral I planned for my son. I've already shared the eulogy I wrote and read for him; if you are interested in that please read: An Open Letter to My son. 

And for further reading on other cultures' and religions' traditions in mourning:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mourning