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I will let you pull away

  When you were young and headstrong, confident and decisive, you could fight me and never relent. Flippant decisions, just refuse to compromise, easily filled me with instant regret.  I didn't learn quickly, could not see inimitable you, thought I could mold and hold you, just to my will, bent.  Small yet too strong, the will of a woman child sized, your brilliance too often caught me by surprise.  My planning fell to pieces when I gave you the choices, predicting that I would easily win.  I watched your thoughts calculate all the options, then choose, aware of consequences and red faced with chagrin.  I had given permission, a misstep on my part, though I knew the game play and rules, I misunderstood how you would begin.  And you followed through, step by step, having committed to your plan, I was flummoxed and floundered in place.  I felt beaten, and lost, embarrassed and insecure, wanting to be angry as I watched your little face. 
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Leave me.

 How do I tell you that you are not enough; knowing I should not be so cruel? How to say the thoughts piling up, as I push you away,  when despite my enforced distance, you stay? I see in the mirror the faces that play, the words forming and smirking, "Who's the fool?"  
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Abandon Responsibility

 "Lay it down", just tell me, the load so heavy and constant.  "Set it aside", say it simply, "take the rest."  Permission granted and hand extended, a sigh so deep and unexpected,  I only want a moment, not help, to feel my best.  Don't do it for me, I am capable.  Don't shoulder my work, I want the burden.  Don't deprive my life of purpose and all my drive.  Don't diminish my effort, I enjoy the struggle.  Don't mistake my fatigue for overwhelm.  Working the list helps me to survive.  Nothing to need, I have it all, energy and self reliance.  A question of want, frustration builds and raises ire.  Decisions stacking, days on wash and repeat,  Maybe someone to hold me and care is my desire. 
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Pick One.

to Choose a Life Basic  Simple Complicated Stressed Defined Rote Mundane Exhilarating Exhausting Rich Full Flourishing Relaxing Refined What's mine?
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Ambivalence

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I thought I could be ready. To 'cross that bridge' To 'weather that storm' Enough time has passed, My fill of heartache endured, Now a new love could form.  Hesitant, unsteady, the path so unsure,  Cautious and tempered in each intimation. Awareness creeps in, a chill to the core, A silent heart denies love's formation.  The want of a life,  Return to before, is no longer the desired destination.  The "should be", the rote,  Patterned choices in my past, now a questionable proclamation. "You are naive and unprepared." "You have no need to explore." "Stop here," my mind stalls.  That bridge will have to wait,  Would I survive another storm?  I back away as uncertainty calls. 
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Sit in the Silence

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it is the end of the night at the start of the week w ith a list so long it is still incomplete seasons in flux, early plans in the works years in advance, cluttered thoughts in clustered bursts.  turn the engine to off though the music plays on trapped in time, lost in mind  stay still for one more song     lovely lights beckon, you are home, please come in.                                                                                              I  do know what is waiting, just not where to begin  then the song is over and the silence starts  and the weight of the life descends on my heart how long shall i wait? how long to delay?              minutes more is all until another day  endless peace in the silence, serenity in the dark;  no decisions to make while I leave myself in Park.  
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Winter Light

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  the days so short and dark too quickly the chill and wind, cut and dry to capture and hold any warmth is quite tricky layers on waiting for snow to fly thin rays through the day bring no reprieve, no reply, for the black and silent night  hope for all the glittering, glowing, white, warm, and knowing, make our home full of winter light
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